If I Could Tell Him
by ConsultingCompanion94
Summary: They're a million worlds apart... but does she want to be?
1. Dear Zoe Murphy

**_Hey Guys! So, like most of the theatre world and beyond, I have been listening to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack and am completely obsessed! I got to wondering what is going on in Zoe's head, both in moments when we see her and moments we don't, since we don't get into her head half as much as Evans. This story is based on the few clips of the show I've seen, so any suggestions for improvement or changes would be greatly appreciated. That being said, here we go!_**

"Tell them to eat without me!"

As Zoe ran down the hall, it took everything in her not to slam the door behind her. The last thing she needed was to have her parents come asking what had happened…

 _Evan kissed me. EVEN KISSED ME!_ How had _that_ happened? Where did that even come from? One minute he was telling her things Conner had apparently said about her, but had never actually told her himself. Before she could process what was happening, he was kissing her, ON CONNERS BED!

Everything in her was telling her how _wrong_ this whole thing was. Just yesterday she'd been completely unconvinced that Evan had even _known_ Conner, much less been best friends with him. It was all she could do to process that she might not have known her brother as well as she thought she did, that maybe there was another side to the perpetually high, bipolar jerk she had slowly grown to resent no matter how bad she felt about it.

Now suddenly, his supposed best friend was _kissing her?_ The first time she had ever had real conversation with him was when she apologized for Conner, and basically accusing him of lying about the note and the emails wasn't much of an improvement. She didn't know what was going on in his head when he kissed her or why he did it, but she definitely didn't feel that way about him.

 _Really? Are you sure about that?_

 _Well..._

Wait, she wasn't really having this conversation was she? She barely even knew Evan, definitely not well enough to be wondering if she might have feelings for him!

"What am I thinking? I finally snapped, this isn't happening!" she muttered, pacing the room and rubbing her face in her hands. But the more she thought about it, the less convinced she felt.

Yes, Evan was weird. Yes, she still wasn't sure she had completely wrapped her head around the secret friendship thing yet. But it was hard not to admire how something about him seemed to help her parents, to make things easier for them. He just seemed to care so much. She also couldn't help admiring that, despite his quirks, he tried so hard to be better for himself and others. Somehow, the fact that he had to try so hard made his quirks that much more endearing.

 _"_ It also doesn't help that he doesn't have a mean bone in his body," she grumbled as she flopped onto her bed. His horror at saying anything remotely offensive about anyone had to be one of the most genuinely adorable things she had ever seen. _And the way he looked at me when he was telling me what Conner had said, I just can't shake the feeling that there was more to it then he was saying. Like maybe those weren't just Conners feelings…_

Which brought her back to the kiss. If she was honest with herself, could she really say that she couldn't see herself feeling that way about Evan, that there was no part of her that might feel the way he seemed to feel, that the kiss meant absolutely nothing?

No. She couldn't. She wasn't even sure she _wanted_ to.

She groaned, buried her face in her pillow. She tried and failed to refocus her thoughts, then tried and failed to make sense of anything that had happened or what she was feeling. She was barely aware when her mom checked in before going to bed, so it was lucky her mom still seemed to think she needed her space to grieve or something like that.

After laying there for so long, she jumped in surprise when the email alert on her phone went off. She was even more surprised when she saw it was, somehow, from Evan. With no idea what to expect, she began to read-

 _Dear Zoe Murphy,_

 _Well, since I didn't have your phone number, because I mean why would I, since you've never had any reason to give it to me it to me, but anyway, sorry for getting off track. You're probably wondering how I even got your email, probably because you don't remember we've been Facebook friends (sorry, I'm doing it again). Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know what happened tonight was just about the worst timing ever, and you probably won't want to see me again. I guess, whatever happens, I'm just glad you know how I feel. I've never been good at letting people see how I really feel and who I really am, but something about being with you just makes me feel like I can. Like no matter what, everything is okay. I just needed you to know that._

 _Sincerely, Me_

 _ **Hope you guys enjoyed the first part! As of now, I'm not sure if I'll be ending this story where the show ends or if Zoe and Evan will have more to say, so you'll just have to Follow and Review to find out! Till next time, Allons-y and Geronimo! (yes, I also write Doctor Who Fanfics, check it out!)**_


	2. You Will Be Found

**Hey guys! So, this chapter was a little trickier for me to figure out for various reasons, but I'll save that for the end of the chapter. For now, read on and I hope you enjoy!**

 _Just when I thought life couldn't get any more complicated._

Zoe hadn't seen much of Evan since the kiss, and luckily for her it was never without either her parents, Alana, or occasionally Jared, Evans "friend". She wasn't sure what she would do if she did; things were awkward enough without them being alone together. More than once she had caught him looking at her, only to look away in a poor attempt to act like he hadn't been. He hadn't mentioned the kiss or the email, in fact he hadn't really spoken directly to her, just to her family as a whole about the Conner Project.

The Conner project, yet another thing she still didn't get. Maybe Connor and Evan had been friends, but did Conner really have _that_ many people that cared about him? Her parents were already on the brink, what would happen if all that came out of the event was a bunch of the fake crap people always say when they feel obligated, but don't really mean it. Or worse, what if no one but her family, Evan, and maybe Alana had anything to say? Much as she'd resented him, that would just be cruel.

And why did Evan want to do this anyway? He was definitely either hurt, angry, embarrassed, or any combination of the above about her reaction to their kiss, but he still seemed determined to help make it happen. After he left, she had briefly wondered if his whole point in spending time with her family was to make a move on her, but the fact that he was still there despite her apparent rejection made the idea less and less convincing.

That was just one of the many ways she'd tried making sense of everything, but she was still no closer to figuring out how she felt or what she wanted to do about it, and clearly Evan wasn't either. She kept alternating between wishing he would say or do _something_ to help her figure it out, and being convinced it would just make it worse and even more confusing if he did.

The day drew closer, and her family effectively avoided discussing what they would say or if they would even be saying anything at the memorial. She still wasn't sure, she still definitely hadn't forgiven Conner enough to say the sorts of things people would expect from her, but she knew what they would think if she said nothing, so the day of she had resigned herself to just seeing what happened.

Once her family were settled in their reserved seats in the auditorium, the Principal got up and welcomed everyone, before stepping aside for Alana to kick of the event. She didn't say much, but Zoe was genuinely surprised by how much she truly did seem to care about making sure Conner wasn't forgotten, despite only being his lab partner. Even if they weren't really friends, Zoe had no doubts that she was sincere.

What Zoe really wasn't prepared for was when Evan got up next, pulling out a set of cue cards from his back pocket. Obviously he had helped make this whole thing happen, but she realized that she had been subconsciously expecting him not to get up. That it must have taken everything in him to do so was painfully clear from the shaking in his hands and voice as he began to read slowly from the cards. She found it harder and harder to watch as the cards got mixed up, and she knew she wasn't half as mortified for him as he was for himself when he dropped the cards.

She fought back tears as she saw him kneeling by the cards, tears in his eyes and lip trembling. It was a battle she quickly lost when he stopped, and looked down at something she hadn't realized he'd been wearing, a tie.

Conner's Tie.

Evan then stood up, cards forgotten, and proceeded to say how he knew that none of them were ever alone, that Conner had given that to him, that there was always someone to find you, to be there for you.

"That's the gift Conner gave to all of us. I just wish we could have given it to him."

The rest of it passed in a blur. Zoe barely registered a thing anyone else said, only that there were definitely more people that stepped up then she ever would have expected, so much so that her family couldn't have gotten up if they'd wanted to. She went straight up to her room when they got home, unconvincingly claiming that she was fine and just wanted to go to bed.

She laid on her bed for at least an hour after changing into her sweats, knowing sleep wasn't gonna happen any time soon despite how drained she was. That's why she was still awake when her text alert went off. She was surprised to see it was from Alana, though she couldn't imagine what she would be texting her about this late at night. Seeing it was a link to a video, she debated whether or not she was too tired to watch it, but finally gave in.

To her shock, it was a video of Evans speech, which someone had apparently posted a few hours ago. If that wasn't enough, she couldn't believe what she was seeing when she looked down at the view count.

 _Over fifteen hundred views._

How was that possible? The video had only been posted a few hours ago, how had it spread so fast? Once she was able to think straight, she realized there were comments, lots of them. As she read them the shock from earlier came back full force.

 _I can't stop watching this!_

 _Take five minutes, share this with the people you love._

 _I know someone who really needed to hear this today, so thank you Evan Hansen, for doing what you're doing!_

 _I never met you Connor, but coming on here, reading everyone's posts… It's so easy to feel alone, but Evan is exactly right..we're not alone, none of us._

As she read, she slowly saw her brother in a way she had almost forgotten. The big brother she looked up to, the one who inspired her and made her feel strong, before the drugs, depression, and anger had taken him from her bit by bit. She saw everything she had hated about him as a plea for help, feeling like there was no one, not even her, who knew how to or even cared enough to pull him back.

All thanks to Evan, a guy she had barely known before that first day of school.

When her mom told her Evan had come over for dinner again, she knew she'd find him in Connor's room. She knew what she wanted to say, and she wasn't gonna wait and give herself a chance to back out. Bracing herself before opening the door, she wasn't surprised when his eyes widened in surprise and he started fidgeting nervously when he saw her.

"Zoe! I was just,.. y-your mom said she would come-come get me when dinner was-was done, so I-I just…"

Before he could move to leave, she cut him off by joining him on the bed.

"Everything you said in your speech, everything you've done… You don't know how much...what you've given all of us. Everyone, my family, me. You've given me my brother back."

When she could see he was about to contradict what she'd said, she did the only other thing she could think to convey everything she wanted him to know- she kissed him. When their lips met, she wondered how in the world she could have dismissed their last kiss so easily, how she could have just ignored how hard she had fallen for him.

It barely lasted longer than their first kiss, since he quickly broke it once his shock wore off. At first, she was terrified when he moved away and wouldn't meet her eyes. Had she misread everything? Was he still hurt about her reaction the last time? Had he changed his mind after she had turned him down? But when he met her eyes again, she saw whatever resolve or doubt, she didn't know or care which, disappear as he leaned in and kissed her with an intensity she never would have thought him capable of, hands grasping the back of her neck and waist as if he couldn't get her close enough. She eagerly responded, and she knew that neither of them wanted to be the first to stop.

 **And there you have it! Like I said, this one was a little trickier for mainly two reasons- 1. I had a little bit of a harder time getting in to Zoe's head,** **especially figuring out her process from the assembly to "you gave me my brother back." 2. I have never written a kiss scene before, and while I am (in my own opinion at least) the biggest romantic on this planet, I felt woefully out of my element, so I hope I did it justice. Let me know what you guys think, and have a great week! Till next time, Allons-y and Geronimo!**


End file.
